by Nameless Ensign
An Admiral Janeway/Captain Kim story based on Endgame. Rated NC-17.
Beta reading and epilogue by Shayenne.
Disclaimer: Star Trek:Voyager and the characters used in this story all belong to Paramount. No infringement intended.
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Something stirs in me when he walks through the doorway at the reunion party. It has been four years since I last stood face to face with him. But seeing him again, it feels like no time has passed at all. Of course, I’ve missed seeing him, and he looks different too. The silvery streaks in his hair have become more prominent, his face is more weathered and lined. But it becomes him. As if the passing years have somehow brought out the essence in him, like a good wine that only gets fuller with age.
“Admiral.” “Welcome home, Captain,” I say and smile. “I’ll get you a drink.” I watch him from the corner of my eye as I leave to pick up the glasses, one for me and one for him. He’s crouching and talking to Sabrina, Naomi’s daughter. It’s a shame he never had a family of his own. The flickering thought is immediately followed by the familiar twinge of guilt. But I know now what has to be done, and the preparations are well underway, so I push the guilt aside for the night. I’ll fix it. I’ll fix everything. The whole mess I made blowing up the Caretaker’s array will be cleaned up at last. “Here you are, Captain,” I say and hand Harry the glass. “Thank you, Admiral.” We start walking towards a quieter corner, and he looks back at Sabrina. “I haven’t seen her since she was a baby.” “It’s amazing how fast you’ve all grown,” I say and I briefly touch his cheek. In my mind I still hold the image of the excited young ensign embarking on his first mission. A mission that would turn out to be the longest of his life. Of all our lives. The warmth of his cheek lingers in me, and despite my better judgment I let my arm rest on his shoulder, while we walk across the room. It’s as if I can see him clearly for the first time. The guilt is finally lifting and is no longer blurring my vision. There are many things I’ve been able to see clearer lately. And slightly surprised, I notice what a handsome man Harry Kim has grown into, how close to me he’s walking, and how my body is reacting to his proximity. But I also see what he has become – the lonely Captain, wearing the hard and cold Captain’s mask. His heart has fused irreversibly with his command, lending a touch of empathy and compassion to his leadership, but tainting his ability to love with the cold steel of duty. We’re the last ones to leave the party. Laughing and chatting in a friendly manner we walk arm in arm into the chilly night. The cold makes us huddle closer together, drawing from each other’s body heat. A moment of awkwardness passes between us when we realize how close together we’re walking. As if we were locked in a desperate embrace, as if we would drown if we let go. “Where are you staying, Harry?” I ask him quietly. “Starfleet guest quarters.” It’s the answer I had expected. Starfleet’s gray, impersonal guest quarters. Torture for lonely and disorientated Captains returning from lengthy missions in deep space. “Let’s go to my apartment. We’ll have some wine, talk some more.” I suggest it casually, and he nods just as casually, but we both know what it really means. We’re far from being awkward teenagers. There is no need to pretend, but no need to spell it out either. Perhaps together, we can make our steely hearts melt, and if only for one night let the command masks drop to reveal the people behind them. Comfortable silence encompass us as we make our way to my apartment. There is no need to speak, so we don’t. I never take out the wine, I just lead him to my bedroom. The first kiss is so soft it makes me want to cry. So much more loving than I thought a kiss could be. It awakens a need I have spent years pushing away. It’s been so long since I loved and made love. When the kiss ends he looks at me, smiles, and runs a hand through my hair. “So beautiful,” he murmurs. “Computer, dim lights to...” “No.” I lower my head and smile to myself. “Harry, I’m seventy, I’m not really...” He interrupts me again. “It’s okay. I’m not exactly twenty either.” He kisses my forehead gently. “I want to be able to see you properly. Please.” I don’t object when he starts to undress me. First the scarf I’ve worn around my shoulders, then my blouse. Slowly, item by item, he removes my clothing until I’m standing naked before him, wearing only my shoes and stockings. Then I start to undress him with equal care, running a finger along his still smooth chest, feeling my body respond eagerly and the anticipation build. But I want to enjoy this as much as I can, I want to savor every moment. There is no reason to hurry. I caress his body with my breath as I crouch to unfasten his pants and let them fall to the ground along with his boxers. And then we’re equally naked, exposed to each other’s gazes. I resist the temptation to touch him when I slowly get up again, but my eyes trace every curve, line, and muscle of his body. Then I search his eyes to find the raw need I had hoped to place there, and I raise up for another kiss. His face descends and his lips meet mine in a plundering kiss. His arms are around me, caressing my back, and the wonderful feel of skin against skin shatters my control, erases my will to take it slow and I allow myself to touch him freely. I kiss his collarbone, his chest and move lower still until I reach his groin. His cock twitches when I breathe on it and almost, but not quite, touch it with my lips. Looking up into his face, I run the tip of my tongue from base to head, ending the journey by lapping a salty drop from the tip. Then I take him fully into my mouth, reveling in the primal growl I elicit from him. His hands tangle themselves in my hair, guiding me as I withdraw from him only to plunge forward again. My pace quickens when I feel his cock swell, realizing he’s about to come in my mouth, anticipating it with excitement. Then suddenly the heavenly feel of the smooth skin of his hard and thick cock against my tongue, in my mouth, and on my lips is gone, and he’s on his knees too, his face close to mine. “Not so fast, Kathryn,” he says and smiles. With a soft kiss he pulls me gently to my feet, guides me to the bed and makes me lie down. I watch in wonder as he gently removes my shoes and stockings, kisses my toes and slowly moves upward, spreading kisses along my legs on the way. The sight combined with the sensations is too much, so I lean back, close my eyes and concentrate on the physical sensations. I allow myself to be completely drawn into it, forgetting everything else. All that exist are Harry’s hands and mouth moving over my body, and I’m breathlessly waiting for them to reach their destination. His hands arrive first, opening me, spreading my folds. Moaning, I spread my legs, welcoming the intrusion. When his lips close around my throbbing nub I grab his head, trying to hold on so I won’t be swept away too soon. I moan with every breath I take when he runs his tongue along my folds then pushes first one, then two fingers inside me. His mouth returns to my clit, he’s flickering his tongue over it, nibbling, sucking. His fingers continue to push into me, withdraws, and pushes into me again in a slow, steady pace. I don’t care anymore that the light is at a hundred percent, or that I’m spread naked, legs open wide, to my former crewman. I’m enjoying every second of it. “Harry,” I whisper, pleadingly, and push his face away from me. I’m too close, I don’t want it to end just yet. He looks up at me, smiles, and start to kiss his way up my body, stopping only to suck my nipples, one at a time. With our lips locked in a deep kiss, he slides into me, filling me completely. I sigh into his mouth and start to rock with him, our bodies moving in an increasingly urgent rhythm. I come just before him. It feels like I’m barely conscious, my breathing is shallow and uneven. Clutching him to me, clutching his cock inside me, I let out a strangled primitive sound I didn’t know I was capable of creating. He’s swelling inside me, and the sensation is enhanced by my inner muscles tightening around him, prolonging my blinding orgasm. He cries out, thrusting harshly into me, emptying himself in me. Much later I’m still awake, enjoying the feel of his body next to mine, listening to his soft snoring. I’m at ease, finally. There’s only a few more days now. A few more days and then I’ll be able to correct the horrible mistakes I’ve made. Things will be better for everyone. And even though I know that tonight will be erased from history, that it will never happen, it’s okay. I will carry the memory in my heart until the day I die. And that’s enough. 
The end revisited I see him again through the view screen, his eager face is smooth, devoid of the lines that time will write for him. I see the man he has been, and the man he will be - although now, maybe not. It's only a short time since my Harry let me go, putting his trust in me above his Starfleet conditioning. Maybe I'm the only person who really knows how hard that can be. Captain Kim hugged me goodbye only a wrinkle ago in the timeline, and right then, just for a suspended second, I reconsidered. But with admirals closing on my position, with fate pushing me onto a pinhead, there was only a single option open. No choice at all. Once more into the breach, dear friends. And here he is again, and here am I, and here is the other he, Chakotay, one more reason for this tangle I'm creating. I clasp Harry's hand for too long when I step off the transporter. But his skin reminds me of love and joy, however fleeting. His expression is confused; his Kathryn doesn't exist yet. I feign a wobble, disorientation from the transporter, and he smiles reassuringly. I want to smooth my fingertips over his forehead, erase the worry line that's forming and I think of how I pressed my lips to his forehead, his salty chest, his salty cock. But there's no time for dreaming, and this Harry has no place for an old woman in his life. I straighten, drop his hand, square my shoulders and let the mantle of authority settle more firmly onto my shoulders. In the hours that follow I see everything on board, more than I want to know. Don't do this, I want to scream to Kathryn. Don't let Seven of Nine assimilate the one who is yours. But I see the way he looks at Seven, and it's the way he used to look at me. No. Don't let me be too late. Subtly I plant the seeds, let Kathryn see what she will become if she doesn't act. But she sees only the new softness in Chakotay's eyes as they turn away from her and look to another. Does she love too much? Enough to let him go? Too late for Joe Carey. Too late for Kathryn and Chakotay. Too late. The knowledge sits thickly in my throat. I can only do so much. It's time to let the cards fall where they may for the people I care about. Kathryn and Chakotay. Seven. Tuvok. And Harry. 
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